Greetings and welcome to the Tuesday Top Ten: my favorite moments from chapel this morning.
10. The Pow Wow advertisement video that took a classic SNL skit out behind the woodshed and and raped it harder than Thomas Jefferson did his kitchen maid. Don't do this to us again, SGA. Also, you do have some split ends. I'm a friend.
9. The Messengers carrying His Holiness off stage like a roll of old, dirty, flea-infested carpet. Seeing Brad carried away like a rag doll left me rejoicing. That is until I realized that his absence meant that the Messengers would be in charge. Maybe after Obama shuts down Guantanamo Bay he can send international criminals to SNU chapel services instead of waterboarding them.
8. The screech. You know what I'm talking about. It took about three minutes and five tissues to get my ears to stop bleeding. Maybe Messengers took over the tech booth too. . . . Pro of this technical failure? I couldn't hear them leading worship for three minutes. Which brings me to my next point.
7. The band. Oh God. How long has "Blessed be Your Name" been out? Six years. Is six years not enough time to learn to play a song with four chords in it? With at least an average level of proficiency? Oh, and on this note, Matt Redman: you have a moral responsibility to stop writing shitty songs that are simple enough for even shittier worship bands to play. I know you mean well, but you're doing more harm than you are good.
6. The band. Again. I've seen bad worship bands, and today's certainly ranks close to the bottom of my list, but if there is one rule that no worship band should ever break, it is this: Do not, for any reason, ever stop a song after you have started playing it. In addition to making for an extremely awkward moment, it makes you look unprofessional and unprepared. Excellence, people, excellence. Hell, after this morning I'd settle for a healthy portion of good old-fashioned mediocrity.
5. One-liners: "I need the hard stuff, Coke." So do I. Right now. So I can forget that I'm being forced to sit through this shit.
"It's a fiery passionate love that will flip over tables. . . " break dishware and wine bottles, spill dessert all over the floor, flip that bitch over the counter-top and fuck her senseless in a puddle of vintage red and chocolate ganache.
"They met me where I was." Where was that? A Lord of the Rings convention? You went as Gimli, didn't you?
"I've Bible-thumped them umpteen times." That's what she said.
4. Eminem, the Beastie Boys . . . . Messengers? Yeah, the rap was funny [and pretty fly for a couple of white guys], and so was the crotch-cradling, but if you're light skinned with no melanin and your name isn't Marshall Mathers, Robert Van Winkle, or Snow, you have no buisness trying to spit some lyrical eloquence.
3. Skits. My feelings about poorly written, poorly acted, and poorly produced chapel skits are well known, and just in case you were wondering, they didn't change after this morning. Here you go Shatner, act your way out of this.
2. Social dancing. Andrew, just in case you were wondering, the social dancing line was stupid. And it made you look stupid. And then you brought it up again at the end of your mumblings, which made you look stupid. Again.
1. The Messengers' hilarious attempts to put together a decent chapel program. I'm sure you've revolutionized nursery ministry and you're a big hit with the 8-and-under set, but we all hung up our Osh Koshes a long time ago. Seriously, we're in college. If anyone at OU presented a program as mistake-ridden, thoughtless, and poorly planned as the one you presented this morning, they'd be laughed off the stage and off campus. I can honestly say that I am ashamed to have the Messengers represent SNU.
Did Brad not preach all last year about "putting away childish things?" Can we now please put away the Messengers?
And now for some substance.
First, witnessing. 99.99999999999999% of witnessing should be done without the use of words. If you start talking about Jesus, chances are you're going to get tuned out. Remember that love is the greatest gift that Christianity has to offer the world.
Second, love. Loving others is one area in which Christians fail. Miserably. If Andrew was correct about anything this morning, he was correct in pointing out that the Christian church, especially in America, has a terrible track record when it comes to loving people in the way that Jesus commanded us to. [Which begs the question, "If we're not actively loving everyone around us, are we really Christians?"] Remember the poor, the widow, and the orphan? Yeah, those people didn't disappear in 28 CE.
Third, students should not be allowed to speak in chapel. It's hard enough to find a pastor who has anything meaningful to say, so why should we think that pastors-in-training have anything better to offer? Granted, I realize that there are probably a few students on our campus who could take the stage in chapel and say something intelligent, but the overwhelming majority of my experiences with student speakers have been negative [shallow, cheap, inane]. Please take off the training wheels before taking the pulpit.
Fourth, and last, believing, or not believing, in God should not be a decision made solely on the basis of how you have been treated by other Christians. Andrew said this morning that he spent a portion of life before SNU apart from God because of some negative experiences he had with a specific church congregation. Such reasoning is shallow and naive. The choice to believe or not believe in God is one that has drastic consequences for one's worldview, relationships, lifestyle, and favorite ice cream flavor, and it should not be left in the hands of everyday laypeople. [Because if you leave it up to the laypeople, you'll be a Half Baked type of person.]
Oh, I suppose I should mention in closing the only valuable piece of information presented in chapel this morning. There is a chapel committee meeting later this week. Ladies and gentlemen, this is what it's all about. If we want to fix the problems that plague our chapel services and bring a mite of respectability and thoughtfulness back into our religious gatherings, we need to take these chapel committee meetings seriously. Talk to the students on the committee. Tell them what you want to see changed.
We're paying for this shit, we ought to at least be involved.
"Keep near me and you will be safe."
Daedalus
Showing posts with label Obama. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Obama. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Get on with the fascination, the real relation, the underlying theme.
Happy fourth, everyone! If you haven't voted yet, there's still time. If you're from out of state and did not send in an absentee ballot, may the Lord God smite thee.
Thanks to Dr. Ballweg for dragging another choir in to perform. It's really nice to be able to sit back and watch someone else do the worshiping for us. The problem with having choirs perform in chapel is that worship is intended to be a communal experience, or so we've been told. If students wanted to attend a choir concert, they'd show up in Cantrell once a semester.
At least the choir sang in tune [mostly]. That's more than I can say for most chapel performers.
His Holiness was especially amusing today.
1) "SNU is a place where we are transformed into Jesus through educational pursuits." Well, if that's what our administration is shooting for then perhaps they should take a quick glance at the last several years' enrollment figures. The strategy really seems to be working. . . .
Being like Jesus does not require an education. Systematic theology, metaphysics, Greek II, and MCS are essential to being like Jesus in the same way that green beans, pork rinds, and durian are essential to making a glass of chocolate milk.
2) The sermaprayer.
My third favorite thing in the world is when pastors/speakers/people who think they have a right to be on stage in religious settings use their prayers to preach to the people in attendance. His Holiness fell into this trap this morning. I'll be honest, I was asleep three minutes in, but my neighbor was nice enough to wake me when the babbling was over. Brad, as much as you like to be in the limelight, let's not forget that Dr. Dunnington was scheduled to speak today. Remember, sharing is a virtue.
For the next fifteen minutes I'm going to try my best to bore you with a long-winded story about a bike trip I took last summer and whatever tangential narratives I find pertinent. Occasionally I will laugh maniacally in a manner reminiscent of George H.W. Bush. Oh, and I think numerology is a worthwhile pursuit. 666. You have been warned.
My second favorite thing in the world is when pastors/speakers/people who think they have a right to be on stage in religious settings speak only in metaphor, offer no arguments or supporting evidence to bolster their positions, and appeal only to the emotions to communicate their message. Pathos alone does not a position create. [Maybe Dunnington can start a new list: "Things I've Learned After Turning 60."]
"I have food to eat that you do not know about." [John 4:32] That's what she said.
Dunnington's main point this morning, once he finally shut up about bikes long enough to make one, was that being in the center of God's will is the most important thing a person can ever strive for. I believe his exact quote was, "Nothing is more important to your life than being in the center of God's will." Wrong. Food is more important to my life than God's will. Boo-yah.
The main problem with all this talk about God's will is that we cannot, ever, know what the will of God is. If God is the absolute ideal that we take her to be, then it seems to require little more than common sense to recognize that humans, in our "fallen" state, cannot comprehend the mind of an absolutely idealized being. [We may be able to know things about the mind of God, but we cannot know the thoughts of God.] If this is accepted as true then it appears that the only way humans could come to knowledge of God's mind would be through direct revelation. And aside from the occasional bleeding Mary statue and a few pieces of Jesus toast here and there, God doesn't seem to be too big on direct contact. Maybe when he finally gets an unlimited texting plan . . .
New discussion board post. God's will. Go now and discuss.
Dunnington did get one thing right; love should be the standard by which we live our lives. I think we can all agree on that.
"This is my simple religion.
There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy.
Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness."
- Dalai Lama
My favorite thing in the world is when I say something over and over and over and no one takes me seriously. I know I'm not Jesus reincarnate or anything, but I was serious when I suggested that, "God helps those who help themselves." [Having to repeat this so many times almost makes me sympathize with Brad's need for a semester theme.]
Seriously.
As it's the fourth, I think it is only appropriate that I close with a few enlightening comments about the election. America is not and was never intended to be a Christian nation. On the contrary, America was intended to be a place where people could exercise their religion, however crazy it may be, without fear of oppression. With this in mind it is interesting to note that, in the last half-century, America has become the stomping ground for a brand of religious fanaticism that can only be likened to that of the Islamic terrorists who have declared Jihad against America. You think I'm kidding, but simply because the Sharptons, Falwells, Robertsons, Haggards, Dobsons, Wildmons, and Bushes of America have been clever enough to disguise their fanaticism behind the facade of "pastor" or "leader" does not make it any less prevalent or threatening. Bombing abortion clinics is only a small step away from knocking down buildings.
Jesus Camp.
Now go in the grace and peace of God and vote for Obama.
"Keep near me and you will be safe."
Daedalus
Thanks to Dr. Ballweg for dragging another choir in to perform. It's really nice to be able to sit back and watch someone else do the worshiping for us. The problem with having choirs perform in chapel is that worship is intended to be a communal experience, or so we've been told. If students wanted to attend a choir concert, they'd show up in Cantrell once a semester.
At least the choir sang in tune [mostly]. That's more than I can say for most chapel performers.
His Holiness was especially amusing today.
1) "SNU is a place where we are transformed into Jesus through educational pursuits." Well, if that's what our administration is shooting for then perhaps they should take a quick glance at the last several years' enrollment figures. The strategy really seems to be working. . . .
Being like Jesus does not require an education. Systematic theology, metaphysics, Greek II, and MCS are essential to being like Jesus in the same way that green beans, pork rinds, and durian are essential to making a glass of chocolate milk.
2) The sermaprayer.
My third favorite thing in the world is when pastors/speakers/people who think they have a right to be on stage in religious settings use their prayers to preach to the people in attendance. His Holiness fell into this trap this morning. I'll be honest, I was asleep three minutes in, but my neighbor was nice enough to wake me when the babbling was over. Brad, as much as you like to be in the limelight, let's not forget that Dr. Dunnington was scheduled to speak today. Remember, sharing is a virtue.
For the next fifteen minutes I'm going to try my best to bore you with a long-winded story about a bike trip I took last summer and whatever tangential narratives I find pertinent. Occasionally I will laugh maniacally in a manner reminiscent of George H.W. Bush. Oh, and I think numerology is a worthwhile pursuit. 666. You have been warned.
My second favorite thing in the world is when pastors/speakers/people who think they have a right to be on stage in religious settings speak only in metaphor, offer no arguments or supporting evidence to bolster their positions, and appeal only to the emotions to communicate their message. Pathos alone does not a position create. [Maybe Dunnington can start a new list: "Things I've Learned After Turning 60."]
"I have food to eat that you do not know about." [John 4:32] That's what she said.
Dunnington's main point this morning, once he finally shut up about bikes long enough to make one, was that being in the center of God's will is the most important thing a person can ever strive for. I believe his exact quote was, "Nothing is more important to your life than being in the center of God's will." Wrong. Food is more important to my life than God's will. Boo-yah.
The main problem with all this talk about God's will is that we cannot, ever, know what the will of God is. If God is the absolute ideal that we take her to be, then it seems to require little more than common sense to recognize that humans, in our "fallen" state, cannot comprehend the mind of an absolutely idealized being. [We may be able to know things about the mind of God, but we cannot know the thoughts of God.] If this is accepted as true then it appears that the only way humans could come to knowledge of God's mind would be through direct revelation. And aside from the occasional bleeding Mary statue and a few pieces of Jesus toast here and there, God doesn't seem to be too big on direct contact. Maybe when he finally gets an unlimited texting plan . . .
New discussion board post. God's will. Go now and discuss.
Dunnington did get one thing right; love should be the standard by which we live our lives. I think we can all agree on that.
"This is my simple religion.
There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy.
Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness."
- Dalai Lama
My favorite thing in the world is when I say something over and over and over and no one takes me seriously. I know I'm not Jesus reincarnate or anything, but I was serious when I suggested that, "God helps those who help themselves." [Having to repeat this so many times almost makes me sympathize with Brad's need for a semester theme.]
Seriously.
As it's the fourth, I think it is only appropriate that I close with a few enlightening comments about the election. America is not and was never intended to be a Christian nation. On the contrary, America was intended to be a place where people could exercise their religion, however crazy it may be, without fear of oppression. With this in mind it is interesting to note that, in the last half-century, America has become the stomping ground for a brand of religious fanaticism that can only be likened to that of the Islamic terrorists who have declared Jihad against America. You think I'm kidding, but simply because the Sharptons, Falwells, Robertsons, Haggards, Dobsons, Wildmons, and Bushes of America have been clever enough to disguise their fanaticism behind the facade of "pastor" or "leader" does not make it any less prevalent or threatening. Bombing abortion clinics is only a small step away from knocking down buildings.
Jesus Camp.
Now go in the grace and peace of God and vote for Obama.
"Keep near me and you will be safe."
Daedalus
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