Happy two days until national Loosen-Your-Belt-And-Be-Proud-Of-It Day! [Which is followed, naturally, by national Oh-Shit-Did-I-Really-Eat-That-Much-Oh-Well-At-Least-I-Won’t-Have-To-Cook-For-A-Week Day.]
I thought I’d give you a preview of what my Turkey Day dinner will look like. First course: stuffing, vegetable tray, and cranberry sauce.
I thought about trying to spend as much time introducing today’s post as the Good Reverend did introducing chapel this morning, but I quickly realized that such feat requires talent beyond my gifting. So, good job Jason: I wish I had it in me to be as awkwardly verbose as you.
Hopefully the tech crew took this morning’s opportunity to revel in the limelight of chapel fame for a few fleeting moments. Heaven knows they won’t get another shout-out anytime soon.
Second course: fruity Jello, green bean casserole, and corn on the cob.
Today’s band put on their snowshoes, scaled the mountain of embarrassment that has been chapel music this semester, and proudly planted their flag at the top: a solitary declaration of a break from the blissful mediocrity we have become accustomed to. [I know I could have just said, “Props to the band.” But that’s soooooo boring.]
Oh, and the chorus to the band’s second song reads thus:
“Here I am, Lord, tonight,
With my arms open wide.
Won’t you come inside?”
I’ll give you one guess as to what my comment about this chorus is going to be.
Ready?
Got it?
If you guessed, “That’s what she said,” then you are correct! Huzzah!
Third course: turducken, mashed potatoes with white gravy, and dinner rolls. Scrumptious.
I never know how to prepare myself when the Good Reverend speaks. Which I suppose is a good thing, because he mixes things up enough to keep life interesting. This morning I half expected him to launch us into the break on a high note with an energetic presentation involving video clips, special effects, trapeze artists, and maybe even a guest appearance by Kevin Bacon. [Hey, you have to be ready for anything in chapel.]
Instead we were treated, and I mean that seriously, to a somber bit of existential storytelling. The first thing to note here is that the Good Reverend is, surprise surprise, a very good storyteller. [If he ever finds a woman with enough sense in her head to marry him, his kids will be in for a treat at bedtime.]
The stories we don’t tell. . . .
. . . .are heartbreaking.
. . . .are threatening.
. . . are revealing.
. . . .are normal.
. . . .are real.
. . . .are ours.
One of my favorite things Jason pointed out this morning is that the stories that we are often a part of are not always the ones we would have chosen. Life is a bitch, you know? And sometimes the best we can do when life gives us lemons, at the risk of sounding like your eighty-six-year-old grandmother who will probably fall asleep at the dinner table on Thursday, is to make lemonade. Sometimes the changes that need to be made have to start with us.
It’s also interesting to note that, most of the time, the stories that don’t get told are the typical ones. Think about the television shows you watch. I mean, no one in real life has a car as badass as Kit or can travel through time. We want life to be glamorous. We want life to be sugar-coated and easy on the eyes. We want to hear the good stories, the encouraging stories, the stories about interesting and improbable coincidences that sound almost too good to be true. We want to think that those stories can happen to us. We want the big wedding. We want to be the one to catch the hail-mary and win the game. We want someone to show us what we need to do to get there. We want the lines to be drawn in electric, indelible ink so that if we fuck up we immediately know to retrace and rethink our steps. . . .
But that’s not life, is it? I think one of the greatest tragedies of our time is that most of us sit around staring at a screen/pulpit/stage/person waiting for an overly-romanticized and completely unbelievable life to drop into our laps, never realizing that such a life is so highly improbable that the only thing we gain by waiting is weight.
“Life doesn’t happen to you, you happen to life.”
“Love is a verb.”
“And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.”
Life is proactive, people. Your life will be what you make of it: no more, no less.
And as we’re all now properly motivated to go out and conquer the world, I think a good question to start with is one that was posed by the Good Reverend himself.
“How well do you ever really know anybody?”
That oughta get some people moving.
And for dessert: homemade fudge, pumpkin pie, and chocolate covered pretzels. Yum.
“Keep near me and you will be safe.”
Daedalus
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Hades ascending
Please enter quietly as we prepare to indoctrinate you. . . . I love silent chapels.
It's especially discouraging to me that, after such a thoughtful chapel on Tuesday, on Wednesday we're right back into the old routine. Sorry to tell you, Dr. Jacobs, but there is a good chance that your words fell on deaf ears.
This morning's service contained far too much shit to comment on in one post, so I have decided, in lieu of writing a novel, to select my topics by raffle. I have written possible topics on slips of paper, placed those slips into a hat, and I will draw five of them to comment on. Drum roll please. . . .
One. "You are FORGIVEN. Love, God."
Are you kidding me? Just in case you've forgotten, this brilliant snippet of revelation kicked off the twenty minute slideshow we had the priviledge of sitting through this morning. In the slides immediately preceding this one we were encouraged to repent of our sins, making silent supplication to God to forgive us for the horrible, wretched, sinful lives we lead.
By this point I hope I have made my thoughts on corporate confession very clear. [Here's a refresher.] But this? This is worse than those fucking billboards. This is a whole new level of bullshit. Did God put that Powerpoint together? Did God walk into Brad's office and tell him to add that slide? Or maybe His Holiness isn't to blame. Maybe God added that slide to the presentation himself while it was being projected onto the screens: revelation in real-time! [Congrats, SNU, you are the first people in history to witness a miracle.]
Oh, and apparently God wanted us to know that we are FORGIVEN for those sins, because regular old forgiven wouldn't be enough.
Two. Videology.
The modernist perspective is dead, and I'm not sure if the makers of the first video we were treated to this morning were ever made aware of this fact. Good or evil, right or wrong, loved or abandoned, light or dark, black or white, paper or plastic: these are all false dilemmas that died with the rest of modernism. If post-modernity has taught us anything it is that the complexities of life simply do not lend themselves to such binary classification. Grey is the new black.
Another problem I had with this video was its asking, "Who will rescue us?"
My primary concern with questions like this one is that it invites complacency by implying that humanity is not smart/strong/reasonable/moral enough to get itself out of the mess it's in. But more than that, this question appears to suggest that humanity is somehow inherently in need of rescue, whether in a crisis or not. [Think "original sin."] Gnostic, much? If my reading of the gospels is correct, Jesus came to empower humanity, not strip away its dignity and leave us crying at the sky in hope of the "second coming."
Three. Storybook Apostle's Creed.
Someone was having a little too much fun with Powerpoint this week: pictures, animated text, the whole shebang. Are we so dense that we need pictures of flames to animate the concept of Hell? [Which is not Biblical, by the way. We have Dante to thank for the flames and tridents.] Text dropping from on high to show Jesus descending? Crying Jesus? Clouds of holiness?
Why not just go all the way [that's what she said] and give us a Seussian chapel sometime?
Would you sin within a house?
Would you sin with a mouse?
I would not sin within a house.
I would not sin with a mouse.
I would not sin here or there.
I would not sin anywhere.
I do not like sin or vice.
I do not like them, Jesus Christ!
You can give me that Pulitzer now.
Four. Guided prayer.
Whoever had the brilliant idea that Christians would benefit from someone holding their hand and walking them through a "proper" relationship with God needs to be dragged out into the street and shot. Here's a new idea: how about you leave me and my reationship with God alone and worry about your own divine dealings?
I anticipate that someone might counter this position by arguing that, through guided prayer, Christians are united in their concern for a specific issue/person. Okay, but for what? If the argument is that being united as a church/body/campus is subjectively beneficial for those involved, then I have no problem. [Though at SNU such unity rarely extends beyond the moments of guided prayer, if a feeling of unity is created in such moments at all.] However, if someone were crazy enough to try and argue that by praying collectively for some need that God would be more likely to respond, I would be forced to look them square in the eyes and alert them to the fact that they are a dumbass.
Five. This one is, surprisingly, positive. Mr. Whiteside's presentation of the music this morning was refreshingly honest. It was nice to see a musician on stage who had actually taken the time to practice and memorize his/her music before performing.
Let's end on a high note.
We only have to go to one chapel next week! Huzzah!
"Fill us up and send us out." That's what she said.
"Keep near me and you will be safe."
Daedalus
It's especially discouraging to me that, after such a thoughtful chapel on Tuesday, on Wednesday we're right back into the old routine. Sorry to tell you, Dr. Jacobs, but there is a good chance that your words fell on deaf ears.
This morning's service contained far too much shit to comment on in one post, so I have decided, in lieu of writing a novel, to select my topics by raffle. I have written possible topics on slips of paper, placed those slips into a hat, and I will draw five of them to comment on. Drum roll please. . . .
One. "You are FORGIVEN. Love, God."
Are you kidding me? Just in case you've forgotten, this brilliant snippet of revelation kicked off the twenty minute slideshow we had the priviledge of sitting through this morning. In the slides immediately preceding this one we were encouraged to repent of our sins, making silent supplication to God to forgive us for the horrible, wretched, sinful lives we lead.
By this point I hope I have made my thoughts on corporate confession very clear. [Here's a refresher.] But this? This is worse than those fucking billboards. This is a whole new level of bullshit. Did God put that Powerpoint together? Did God walk into Brad's office and tell him to add that slide? Or maybe His Holiness isn't to blame. Maybe God added that slide to the presentation himself while it was being projected onto the screens: revelation in real-time! [Congrats, SNU, you are the first people in history to witness a miracle.]
Oh, and apparently God wanted us to know that we are FORGIVEN for those sins, because regular old forgiven wouldn't be enough.
Two. Videology.
The modernist perspective is dead, and I'm not sure if the makers of the first video we were treated to this morning were ever made aware of this fact. Good or evil, right or wrong, loved or abandoned, light or dark, black or white, paper or plastic: these are all false dilemmas that died with the rest of modernism. If post-modernity has taught us anything it is that the complexities of life simply do not lend themselves to such binary classification. Grey is the new black.
Another problem I had with this video was its asking, "Who will rescue us?"
My primary concern with questions like this one is that it invites complacency by implying that humanity is not smart/strong/reasonable/moral enough to get itself out of the mess it's in. But more than that, this question appears to suggest that humanity is somehow inherently in need of rescue, whether in a crisis or not. [Think "original sin."] Gnostic, much? If my reading of the gospels is correct, Jesus came to empower humanity, not strip away its dignity and leave us crying at the sky in hope of the "second coming."
Three. Storybook Apostle's Creed.
Someone was having a little too much fun with Powerpoint this week: pictures, animated text, the whole shebang. Are we so dense that we need pictures of flames to animate the concept of Hell? [Which is not Biblical, by the way. We have Dante to thank for the flames and tridents.] Text dropping from on high to show Jesus descending? Crying Jesus? Clouds of holiness?
Why not just go all the way [that's what she said] and give us a Seussian chapel sometime?
Would you sin within a house?
Would you sin with a mouse?
I would not sin within a house.
I would not sin with a mouse.
I would not sin here or there.
I would not sin anywhere.
I do not like sin or vice.
I do not like them, Jesus Christ!
You can give me that Pulitzer now.
Four. Guided prayer.
Whoever had the brilliant idea that Christians would benefit from someone holding their hand and walking them through a "proper" relationship with God needs to be dragged out into the street and shot. Here's a new idea: how about you leave me and my reationship with God alone and worry about your own divine dealings?
I anticipate that someone might counter this position by arguing that, through guided prayer, Christians are united in their concern for a specific issue/person. Okay, but for what? If the argument is that being united as a church/body/campus is subjectively beneficial for those involved, then I have no problem. [Though at SNU such unity rarely extends beyond the moments of guided prayer, if a feeling of unity is created in such moments at all.] However, if someone were crazy enough to try and argue that by praying collectively for some need that God would be more likely to respond, I would be forced to look them square in the eyes and alert them to the fact that they are a dumbass.
Five. This one is, surprisingly, positive. Mr. Whiteside's presentation of the music this morning was refreshingly honest. It was nice to see a musician on stage who had actually taken the time to practice and memorize his/her music before performing.
Let's end on a high note.
We only have to go to one chapel next week! Huzzah!
"Fill us up and send us out." That's what she said.
"Keep near me and you will be safe."
Daedalus
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
And many of them are fluffy. . . .
Welcome to the big top. The banner is back and today's speaker actually had something to say - it'll take a lot to bring us down now.
How many of you went to Pow Wow - show of hands? How many of you were paying attention during the only skit that was even partially entertaining [props to The Good Reverend and the recently acquired third member of the trinity, Ms. Green {to be dubbed at a later date} for that one] and saw the video that His Holiness made about me? How many of you thought it was funny? Good. So did I.
Besides being funny, His Holiness' video cast a ray of light on a point that many of you seem to have missed. "My beef is really a philosophical one." Yes it is. And it's good to know that even Brad, whom I rail on quite a bit, is able to appreciate the more meaningful portions of my ramblings. Perhaps some of you should follow his example, for once. :)
Speaking of Brad, the Lord must have gotten up on the right side of his transcendental four-poster, California king sized bed this morning, because Brad is gone and won't be back for two weeks! Who ever said God doesn't answer prayers?
Hammered dulcimer? Was there really a hammered dulcimer on stage this morning? Wow. I've been misunderestimating the cultural IQ of people from this fine region for some time. Props for the change.
In other news, the band failed to meet my preliminary expectation of their sucking completely this morning. They did, however, manage to inspire several brave souls to "get up offa that thang" and stand in solitary defiance of the ever-present, all-pervasive apathy that has become a hallmark of our beloved institution.
All rise for the honorable Dr. Jacobs.
There are some chapel speakers that one naturally expects more from than others. Dr. Jacobs, for example, is someone from whom I expect much. The Gresh, on the other hand. . . .
I found it supremely satisfying that Jacobs opened with a quote from Kant. The quote he read is actually a part of a larger essay [which you owe it to yourself to read], but here's a highlight:
"If I have a book to serve as my understanding, a pastor to serve as my conscience, a physician to determine my diet for me, and so on, I need not exert myself at all. I need not think, if only I can pay."
Hell, even I will raise my hand and say "Amen!" to that.
Isn't it interesting how Dr. Jacobs was able to produce more worthwhile content by talking about questions he can't answer than many others have been able to with questions they [think they] can? [There's an entire book waiting to be written about this subject.]
"If I try my hardest to love people, I won't be judged by God for that."
That's fucking gospel, ladies and gentlemen. Gospel. [I seem to remember someone else trying to push a message of "love" this semester. . . .]
The reason love is so important as an axiom of morality is that love takes all the fancy talk, theology, over-sized Sunday hats, and metaphysics of Christianity, ties their shoestrings to cinder blocks and throws them into the East River. It re-emphasizes a point that we all probably know but do not like to answer to: love is a verb.
Jacobs closed by reading a poem authored by a fourteenth century Muslim named Hafiz. I would like to offer a portion of this poem as my closing.
"God wants to manhandle us."
That's what she said.
Everybody take some rubbers.
"Keep near me and you will be safe."
Daedalus
How many of you went to Pow Wow - show of hands? How many of you were paying attention during the only skit that was even partially entertaining [props to The Good Reverend and the recently acquired third member of the trinity, Ms. Green {to be dubbed at a later date} for that one] and saw the video that His Holiness made about me? How many of you thought it was funny? Good. So did I.
Besides being funny, His Holiness' video cast a ray of light on a point that many of you seem to have missed. "My beef is really a philosophical one." Yes it is. And it's good to know that even Brad, whom I rail on quite a bit, is able to appreciate the more meaningful portions of my ramblings. Perhaps some of you should follow his example, for once. :)
Speaking of Brad, the Lord must have gotten up on the right side of his transcendental four-poster, California king sized bed this morning, because Brad is gone and won't be back for two weeks! Who ever said God doesn't answer prayers?
Hammered dulcimer? Was there really a hammered dulcimer on stage this morning? Wow. I've been misunderestimating the cultural IQ of people from this fine region for some time. Props for the change.
In other news, the band failed to meet my preliminary expectation of their sucking completely this morning. They did, however, manage to inspire several brave souls to "get up offa that thang" and stand in solitary defiance of the ever-present, all-pervasive apathy that has become a hallmark of our beloved institution.
All rise for the honorable Dr. Jacobs.
There are some chapel speakers that one naturally expects more from than others. Dr. Jacobs, for example, is someone from whom I expect much. The Gresh, on the other hand. . . .
I found it supremely satisfying that Jacobs opened with a quote from Kant. The quote he read is actually a part of a larger essay [which you owe it to yourself to read], but here's a highlight:
"If I have a book to serve as my understanding, a pastor to serve as my conscience, a physician to determine my diet for me, and so on, I need not exert myself at all. I need not think, if only I can pay."
Hell, even I will raise my hand and say "Amen!" to that.
Isn't it interesting how Dr. Jacobs was able to produce more worthwhile content by talking about questions he can't answer than many others have been able to with questions they [think they] can? [There's an entire book waiting to be written about this subject.]
- I don't know why people still kill each other.
- I don't know why people use hate to instruct children.
- I don't know why people of faith fight each other.
- I don't know why anyone still has to be hungry. . . .when we have all this food.
- I don't know why we are mostly strangers.
- I don't fully know what "Character, Culture, Christ" means. [Don't worry, Noel, neither does anyone else.]
"If I try my hardest to love people, I won't be judged by God for that."
That's fucking gospel, ladies and gentlemen. Gospel. [I seem to remember someone else trying to push a message of "love" this semester. . . .]
The reason love is so important as an axiom of morality is that love takes all the fancy talk, theology, over-sized Sunday hats, and metaphysics of Christianity, ties their shoestrings to cinder blocks and throws them into the East River. It re-emphasizes a point that we all probably know but do not like to answer to: love is a verb.
Jacobs closed by reading a poem authored by a fourteenth century Muslim named Hafiz. I would like to offer a portion of this poem as my closing.
"God wants to manhandle us."
That's what she said.
Everybody take some rubbers.
"Keep near me and you will be safe."
Daedalus
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Full of that "fat kid" shame
"Hold it up. Let me see it." That's what she said.
Thirty-six gold stars and a ring-pop to the band. Prizes! Amen. ["It's call and response. Come with me." [That's what she said.]] As I said before, if anything is ever going to be successful as a ministry tool, it's going to be gospel music. Amen.
Have you seen my childhood?
My most embarrassing childhood moment, the one I'd like to erase if I could, was that one time I visited Neverland Ranch and Michael and I played doctor. . . .
His Holiness went on a binge this morning and indulged in two of his favorite pastimes: spiels-on-wheels and sermaprayers. There's no way he wasn't rocking a little buzz after that.
Spiels-on-wheels are always a good time for everyone involved, especially when Brad makes his way to the back of the floor seats, causing a slight delay between the moment the words exit his mouth and when they come through the speakers. It almost makes me feel like I'm at a disco every time. [Uh oh, social dancing! Run! Hide!]
Oh, and some of those pictures he shared were hilarious. Well, actually just one of them. The one in the car. "I somehow decided to dress like a mid-high pimp." Well, Brad, I can't speak to your status as a juvenile pimp, but you appear to have been only a molestache away from Brokeback Mountain, that's for sure. [For further reading and research on the molestache, try this and this.]
It was, once again, good to see His Holiness making use of his Ph.D. in psychology today. Unfortunately the salmon filet and baked sweet potatoes of his message turned out to be more like spam and boxed potatoes au-gratin. "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." -Romans 8:1. [That's what he said. . . .]
Don't get me wrong, Jesus is just alright with me too, but shouldn't there be no condemnation for those who are not in Christ Jesus as well? Yes, running to Jesus is one way people can find retreat and solace from their problems and life struggles, but it's certainly not the only way. In fact, I'm going to take a step toward the end of the plank here and say that for some people, running to Jesus might not be the best [healthiest, most efficient/effective] way of dealing with their problems. That's not to say that Jesus is unable to address such a person's concerns, but only that some people might find other forms of relief [psychiatric/psychological consultations, group therapy, Zoloft, etc.] more helpful at a given moment.
Also, I think it's more than slightly unrealistic to suggest that Jesus, if one runs to and throws all their problems at him, will instantly cure all that ails said individual. If you're going to treat Jesus like a therapist, then at least be decent enough to recognize that, just as you would if you were seeing a human therapist, the bulk of the work falls on your shoulders. So, love Jesus, yeah, but please try and remember that your life is still yours to live.
Random thought: I think The Office has officially rejuvinated Freudian psychology. We may have thought that Freud was full of shit, but the frequency at which "that's-what-she-saids" are called may be evidence that he was onto something. . . .
Oh, and where was my "Hamster on a Piano" today? Really, tech crew, if you're going to be good enough to treat me to such joy one day, you can't leave me dry the next. [That's what she said.]
"Keep near me and you will be safe."
Daedalus
P.S. - Undercoverfabala: My offer of prizes to the band today reminded me that you have yet to claim your 20 gold stars and glow-in-the-dark pencil. This saddens me. So, if you'll be so kind as to provide me with your mailbox number, I'll get those items sent your way. [If you're not comfortable posting your mailbox number in a comment, send me a message on Facebook.]
Thirty-six gold stars and a ring-pop to the band. Prizes! Amen. ["It's call and response. Come with me." [That's what she said.]] As I said before, if anything is ever going to be successful as a ministry tool, it's going to be gospel music. Amen.
Have you seen my childhood?
My most embarrassing childhood moment, the one I'd like to erase if I could, was that one time I visited Neverland Ranch and Michael and I played doctor. . . .
His Holiness went on a binge this morning and indulged in two of his favorite pastimes: spiels-on-wheels and sermaprayers. There's no way he wasn't rocking a little buzz after that.
Spiels-on-wheels are always a good time for everyone involved, especially when Brad makes his way to the back of the floor seats, causing a slight delay between the moment the words exit his mouth and when they come through the speakers. It almost makes me feel like I'm at a disco every time. [Uh oh, social dancing! Run! Hide!]
Oh, and some of those pictures he shared were hilarious. Well, actually just one of them. The one in the car. "I somehow decided to dress like a mid-high pimp." Well, Brad, I can't speak to your status as a juvenile pimp, but you appear to have been only a molestache away from Brokeback Mountain, that's for sure. [For further reading and research on the molestache, try this and this.]
It was, once again, good to see His Holiness making use of his Ph.D. in psychology today. Unfortunately the salmon filet and baked sweet potatoes of his message turned out to be more like spam and boxed potatoes au-gratin. "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." -Romans 8:1. [That's what he said. . . .]
Don't get me wrong, Jesus is just alright with me too, but shouldn't there be no condemnation for those who are not in Christ Jesus as well? Yes, running to Jesus is one way people can find retreat and solace from their problems and life struggles, but it's certainly not the only way. In fact, I'm going to take a step toward the end of the plank here and say that for some people, running to Jesus might not be the best [healthiest, most efficient/effective] way of dealing with their problems. That's not to say that Jesus is unable to address such a person's concerns, but only that some people might find other forms of relief [psychiatric/psychological consultations, group therapy, Zoloft, etc.] more helpful at a given moment.
Also, I think it's more than slightly unrealistic to suggest that Jesus, if one runs to and throws all their problems at him, will instantly cure all that ails said individual. If you're going to treat Jesus like a therapist, then at least be decent enough to recognize that, just as you would if you were seeing a human therapist, the bulk of the work falls on your shoulders. So, love Jesus, yeah, but please try and remember that your life is still yours to live.
Random thought: I think The Office has officially rejuvinated Freudian psychology. We may have thought that Freud was full of shit, but the frequency at which "that's-what-she-saids" are called may be evidence that he was onto something. . . .
Oh, and where was my "Hamster on a Piano" today? Really, tech crew, if you're going to be good enough to treat me to such joy one day, you can't leave me dry the next. [That's what she said.]
"Keep near me and you will be safe."
Daedalus
P.S. - Undercoverfabala: My offer of prizes to the band today reminded me that you have yet to claim your 20 gold stars and glow-in-the-dark pencil. This saddens me. So, if you'll be so kind as to provide me with your mailbox number, I'll get those items sent your way. [If you're not comfortable posting your mailbox number in a comment, send me a message on Facebook.]
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
10 Things I Hate About Messengers
Greetings and welcome to the Tuesday Top Ten: my favorite moments from chapel this morning.
10. The Pow Wow advertisement video that took a classic SNL skit out behind the woodshed and and raped it harder than Thomas Jefferson did his kitchen maid. Don't do this to us again, SGA. Also, you do have some split ends. I'm a friend.
9. The Messengers carrying His Holiness off stage like a roll of old, dirty, flea-infested carpet. Seeing Brad carried away like a rag doll left me rejoicing. That is until I realized that his absence meant that the Messengers would be in charge. Maybe after Obama shuts down Guantanamo Bay he can send international criminals to SNU chapel services instead of waterboarding them.
8. The screech. You know what I'm talking about. It took about three minutes and five tissues to get my ears to stop bleeding. Maybe Messengers took over the tech booth too. . . . Pro of this technical failure? I couldn't hear them leading worship for three minutes. Which brings me to my next point.
7. The band. Oh God. How long has "Blessed be Your Name" been out? Six years. Is six years not enough time to learn to play a song with four chords in it? With at least an average level of proficiency? Oh, and on this note, Matt Redman: you have a moral responsibility to stop writing shitty songs that are simple enough for even shittier worship bands to play. I know you mean well, but you're doing more harm than you are good.
6. The band. Again. I've seen bad worship bands, and today's certainly ranks close to the bottom of my list, but if there is one rule that no worship band should ever break, it is this: Do not, for any reason, ever stop a song after you have started playing it. In addition to making for an extremely awkward moment, it makes you look unprofessional and unprepared. Excellence, people, excellence. Hell, after this morning I'd settle for a healthy portion of good old-fashioned mediocrity.
5. One-liners: "I need the hard stuff, Coke." So do I. Right now. So I can forget that I'm being forced to sit through this shit.
"It's a fiery passionate love that will flip over tables. . . " break dishware and wine bottles, spill dessert all over the floor, flip that bitch over the counter-top and fuck her senseless in a puddle of vintage red and chocolate ganache.
"They met me where I was." Where was that? A Lord of the Rings convention? You went as Gimli, didn't you?
"I've Bible-thumped them umpteen times." That's what she said.
4. Eminem, the Beastie Boys . . . . Messengers? Yeah, the rap was funny [and pretty fly for a couple of white guys], and so was the crotch-cradling, but if you're light skinned with no melanin and your name isn't Marshall Mathers, Robert Van Winkle, or Snow, you have no buisness trying to spit some lyrical eloquence.
3. Skits. My feelings about poorly written, poorly acted, and poorly produced chapel skits are well known, and just in case you were wondering, they didn't change after this morning. Here you go Shatner, act your way out of this.
2. Social dancing. Andrew, just in case you were wondering, the social dancing line was stupid. And it made you look stupid. And then you brought it up again at the end of your mumblings, which made you look stupid. Again.
1. The Messengers' hilarious attempts to put together a decent chapel program. I'm sure you've revolutionized nursery ministry and you're a big hit with the 8-and-under set, but we all hung up our Osh Koshes a long time ago. Seriously, we're in college. If anyone at OU presented a program as mistake-ridden, thoughtless, and poorly planned as the one you presented this morning, they'd be laughed off the stage and off campus. I can honestly say that I am ashamed to have the Messengers represent SNU.
Did Brad not preach all last year about "putting away childish things?" Can we now please put away the Messengers?
And now for some substance.
First, witnessing. 99.99999999999999% of witnessing should be done without the use of words. If you start talking about Jesus, chances are you're going to get tuned out. Remember that love is the greatest gift that Christianity has to offer the world.
Second, love. Loving others is one area in which Christians fail. Miserably. If Andrew was correct about anything this morning, he was correct in pointing out that the Christian church, especially in America, has a terrible track record when it comes to loving people in the way that Jesus commanded us to. [Which begs the question, "If we're not actively loving everyone around us, are we really Christians?"] Remember the poor, the widow, and the orphan? Yeah, those people didn't disappear in 28 CE.
Third, students should not be allowed to speak in chapel. It's hard enough to find a pastor who has anything meaningful to say, so why should we think that pastors-in-training have anything better to offer? Granted, I realize that there are probably a few students on our campus who could take the stage in chapel and say something intelligent, but the overwhelming majority of my experiences with student speakers have been negative [shallow, cheap, inane]. Please take off the training wheels before taking the pulpit.
Fourth, and last, believing, or not believing, in God should not be a decision made solely on the basis of how you have been treated by other Christians. Andrew said this morning that he spent a portion of life before SNU apart from God because of some negative experiences he had with a specific church congregation. Such reasoning is shallow and naive. The choice to believe or not believe in God is one that has drastic consequences for one's worldview, relationships, lifestyle, and favorite ice cream flavor, and it should not be left in the hands of everyday laypeople. [Because if you leave it up to the laypeople, you'll be a Half Baked type of person.]
Oh, I suppose I should mention in closing the only valuable piece of information presented in chapel this morning. There is a chapel committee meeting later this week. Ladies and gentlemen, this is what it's all about. If we want to fix the problems that plague our chapel services and bring a mite of respectability and thoughtfulness back into our religious gatherings, we need to take these chapel committee meetings seriously. Talk to the students on the committee. Tell them what you want to see changed.
We're paying for this shit, we ought to at least be involved.
"Keep near me and you will be safe."
Daedalus
10. The Pow Wow advertisement video that took a classic SNL skit out behind the woodshed and and raped it harder than Thomas Jefferson did his kitchen maid. Don't do this to us again, SGA. Also, you do have some split ends. I'm a friend.
9. The Messengers carrying His Holiness off stage like a roll of old, dirty, flea-infested carpet. Seeing Brad carried away like a rag doll left me rejoicing. That is until I realized that his absence meant that the Messengers would be in charge. Maybe after Obama shuts down Guantanamo Bay he can send international criminals to SNU chapel services instead of waterboarding them.
8. The screech. You know what I'm talking about. It took about three minutes and five tissues to get my ears to stop bleeding. Maybe Messengers took over the tech booth too. . . . Pro of this technical failure? I couldn't hear them leading worship for three minutes. Which brings me to my next point.
7. The band. Oh God. How long has "Blessed be Your Name" been out? Six years. Is six years not enough time to learn to play a song with four chords in it? With at least an average level of proficiency? Oh, and on this note, Matt Redman: you have a moral responsibility to stop writing shitty songs that are simple enough for even shittier worship bands to play. I know you mean well, but you're doing more harm than you are good.
6. The band. Again. I've seen bad worship bands, and today's certainly ranks close to the bottom of my list, but if there is one rule that no worship band should ever break, it is this: Do not, for any reason, ever stop a song after you have started playing it. In addition to making for an extremely awkward moment, it makes you look unprofessional and unprepared. Excellence, people, excellence. Hell, after this morning I'd settle for a healthy portion of good old-fashioned mediocrity.
5. One-liners: "I need the hard stuff, Coke." So do I. Right now. So I can forget that I'm being forced to sit through this shit.
"It's a fiery passionate love that will flip over tables. . . " break dishware and wine bottles, spill dessert all over the floor, flip that bitch over the counter-top and fuck her senseless in a puddle of vintage red and chocolate ganache.
"They met me where I was." Where was that? A Lord of the Rings convention? You went as Gimli, didn't you?
"I've Bible-thumped them umpteen times." That's what she said.
4. Eminem, the Beastie Boys . . . . Messengers? Yeah, the rap was funny [and pretty fly for a couple of white guys], and so was the crotch-cradling, but if you're light skinned with no melanin and your name isn't Marshall Mathers, Robert Van Winkle, or Snow, you have no buisness trying to spit some lyrical eloquence.
3. Skits. My feelings about poorly written, poorly acted, and poorly produced chapel skits are well known, and just in case you were wondering, they didn't change after this morning. Here you go Shatner, act your way out of this.
2. Social dancing. Andrew, just in case you were wondering, the social dancing line was stupid. And it made you look stupid. And then you brought it up again at the end of your mumblings, which made you look stupid. Again.
1. The Messengers' hilarious attempts to put together a decent chapel program. I'm sure you've revolutionized nursery ministry and you're a big hit with the 8-and-under set, but we all hung up our Osh Koshes a long time ago. Seriously, we're in college. If anyone at OU presented a program as mistake-ridden, thoughtless, and poorly planned as the one you presented this morning, they'd be laughed off the stage and off campus. I can honestly say that I am ashamed to have the Messengers represent SNU.
Did Brad not preach all last year about "putting away childish things?" Can we now please put away the Messengers?
And now for some substance.
First, witnessing. 99.99999999999999% of witnessing should be done without the use of words. If you start talking about Jesus, chances are you're going to get tuned out. Remember that love is the greatest gift that Christianity has to offer the world.
Second, love. Loving others is one area in which Christians fail. Miserably. If Andrew was correct about anything this morning, he was correct in pointing out that the Christian church, especially in America, has a terrible track record when it comes to loving people in the way that Jesus commanded us to. [Which begs the question, "If we're not actively loving everyone around us, are we really Christians?"] Remember the poor, the widow, and the orphan? Yeah, those people didn't disappear in 28 CE.
Third, students should not be allowed to speak in chapel. It's hard enough to find a pastor who has anything meaningful to say, so why should we think that pastors-in-training have anything better to offer? Granted, I realize that there are probably a few students on our campus who could take the stage in chapel and say something intelligent, but the overwhelming majority of my experiences with student speakers have been negative [shallow, cheap, inane]. Please take off the training wheels before taking the pulpit.
Fourth, and last, believing, or not believing, in God should not be a decision made solely on the basis of how you have been treated by other Christians. Andrew said this morning that he spent a portion of life before SNU apart from God because of some negative experiences he had with a specific church congregation. Such reasoning is shallow and naive. The choice to believe or not believe in God is one that has drastic consequences for one's worldview, relationships, lifestyle, and favorite ice cream flavor, and it should not be left in the hands of everyday laypeople. [Because if you leave it up to the laypeople, you'll be a Half Baked type of person.]
Oh, I suppose I should mention in closing the only valuable piece of information presented in chapel this morning. There is a chapel committee meeting later this week. Ladies and gentlemen, this is what it's all about. If we want to fix the problems that plague our chapel services and bring a mite of respectability and thoughtfulness back into our religious gatherings, we need to take these chapel committee meetings seriously. Talk to the students on the committee. Tell them what you want to see changed.
We're paying for this shit, we ought to at least be involved.
"Keep near me and you will be safe."
Daedalus
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Giveaway
Class chapels!
I hope yours was more worthwhile than mine. [You thought I was actually going to give something away, didn’t you? Shame on you.]
For all you haters out there, take this moment to revel in the delight of a short post.
. . . . .
I’ll be back next Tuesday with some fire. After all, the Messengers are responsible for the content of next Tuesday’s chapel, and we know how much we love those skits. . . .
“Keep near me and you will be safe.”
Daedalus
P.S. Sorry for the odd font. My computer has taken this opportunity to be an excessive bitch. I'll try and get that resolved before next week.
I hope yours was more worthwhile than mine. [You thought I was actually going to give something away, didn’t you? Shame on you.]
For all you haters out there, take this moment to revel in the delight of a short post.
. . . . .
I’ll be back next Tuesday with some fire. After all, the Messengers are responsible for the content of next Tuesday’s chapel, and we know how much we love those skits. . . .
“Keep near me and you will be safe.”
Daedalus
P.S. Sorry for the odd font. My computer has taken this opportunity to be an excessive bitch. I'll try and get that resolved before next week.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Get on with the fascination, the real relation, the underlying theme.
Happy fourth, everyone! If you haven't voted yet, there's still time. If you're from out of state and did not send in an absentee ballot, may the Lord God smite thee.
Thanks to Dr. Ballweg for dragging another choir in to perform. It's really nice to be able to sit back and watch someone else do the worshiping for us. The problem with having choirs perform in chapel is that worship is intended to be a communal experience, or so we've been told. If students wanted to attend a choir concert, they'd show up in Cantrell once a semester.
At least the choir sang in tune [mostly]. That's more than I can say for most chapel performers.
His Holiness was especially amusing today.
1) "SNU is a place where we are transformed into Jesus through educational pursuits." Well, if that's what our administration is shooting for then perhaps they should take a quick glance at the last several years' enrollment figures. The strategy really seems to be working. . . .
Being like Jesus does not require an education. Systematic theology, metaphysics, Greek II, and MCS are essential to being like Jesus in the same way that green beans, pork rinds, and durian are essential to making a glass of chocolate milk.
2) The sermaprayer.
My third favorite thing in the world is when pastors/speakers/people who think they have a right to be on stage in religious settings use their prayers to preach to the people in attendance. His Holiness fell into this trap this morning. I'll be honest, I was asleep three minutes in, but my neighbor was nice enough to wake me when the babbling was over. Brad, as much as you like to be in the limelight, let's not forget that Dr. Dunnington was scheduled to speak today. Remember, sharing is a virtue.
For the next fifteen minutes I'm going to try my best to bore you with a long-winded story about a bike trip I took last summer and whatever tangential narratives I find pertinent. Occasionally I will laugh maniacally in a manner reminiscent of George H.W. Bush. Oh, and I think numerology is a worthwhile pursuit. 666. You have been warned.
My second favorite thing in the world is when pastors/speakers/people who think they have a right to be on stage in religious settings speak only in metaphor, offer no arguments or supporting evidence to bolster their positions, and appeal only to the emotions to communicate their message. Pathos alone does not a position create. [Maybe Dunnington can start a new list: "Things I've Learned After Turning 60."]
"I have food to eat that you do not know about." [John 4:32] That's what she said.
Dunnington's main point this morning, once he finally shut up about bikes long enough to make one, was that being in the center of God's will is the most important thing a person can ever strive for. I believe his exact quote was, "Nothing is more important to your life than being in the center of God's will." Wrong. Food is more important to my life than God's will. Boo-yah.
The main problem with all this talk about God's will is that we cannot, ever, know what the will of God is. If God is the absolute ideal that we take her to be, then it seems to require little more than common sense to recognize that humans, in our "fallen" state, cannot comprehend the mind of an absolutely idealized being. [We may be able to know things about the mind of God, but we cannot know the thoughts of God.] If this is accepted as true then it appears that the only way humans could come to knowledge of God's mind would be through direct revelation. And aside from the occasional bleeding Mary statue and a few pieces of Jesus toast here and there, God doesn't seem to be too big on direct contact. Maybe when he finally gets an unlimited texting plan . . .
New discussion board post. God's will. Go now and discuss.
Dunnington did get one thing right; love should be the standard by which we live our lives. I think we can all agree on that.
"This is my simple religion.
There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy.
Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness."
- Dalai Lama
My favorite thing in the world is when I say something over and over and over and no one takes me seriously. I know I'm not Jesus reincarnate or anything, but I was serious when I suggested that, "God helps those who help themselves." [Having to repeat this so many times almost makes me sympathize with Brad's need for a semester theme.]
Seriously.
As it's the fourth, I think it is only appropriate that I close with a few enlightening comments about the election. America is not and was never intended to be a Christian nation. On the contrary, America was intended to be a place where people could exercise their religion, however crazy it may be, without fear of oppression. With this in mind it is interesting to note that, in the last half-century, America has become the stomping ground for a brand of religious fanaticism that can only be likened to that of the Islamic terrorists who have declared Jihad against America. You think I'm kidding, but simply because the Sharptons, Falwells, Robertsons, Haggards, Dobsons, Wildmons, and Bushes of America have been clever enough to disguise their fanaticism behind the facade of "pastor" or "leader" does not make it any less prevalent or threatening. Bombing abortion clinics is only a small step away from knocking down buildings.
Jesus Camp.
Now go in the grace and peace of God and vote for Obama.
"Keep near me and you will be safe."
Daedalus
Thanks to Dr. Ballweg for dragging another choir in to perform. It's really nice to be able to sit back and watch someone else do the worshiping for us. The problem with having choirs perform in chapel is that worship is intended to be a communal experience, or so we've been told. If students wanted to attend a choir concert, they'd show up in Cantrell once a semester.
At least the choir sang in tune [mostly]. That's more than I can say for most chapel performers.
His Holiness was especially amusing today.
1) "SNU is a place where we are transformed into Jesus through educational pursuits." Well, if that's what our administration is shooting for then perhaps they should take a quick glance at the last several years' enrollment figures. The strategy really seems to be working. . . .
Being like Jesus does not require an education. Systematic theology, metaphysics, Greek II, and MCS are essential to being like Jesus in the same way that green beans, pork rinds, and durian are essential to making a glass of chocolate milk.
2) The sermaprayer.
My third favorite thing in the world is when pastors/speakers/people who think they have a right to be on stage in religious settings use their prayers to preach to the people in attendance. His Holiness fell into this trap this morning. I'll be honest, I was asleep three minutes in, but my neighbor was nice enough to wake me when the babbling was over. Brad, as much as you like to be in the limelight, let's not forget that Dr. Dunnington was scheduled to speak today. Remember, sharing is a virtue.
For the next fifteen minutes I'm going to try my best to bore you with a long-winded story about a bike trip I took last summer and whatever tangential narratives I find pertinent. Occasionally I will laugh maniacally in a manner reminiscent of George H.W. Bush. Oh, and I think numerology is a worthwhile pursuit. 666. You have been warned.
My second favorite thing in the world is when pastors/speakers/people who think they have a right to be on stage in religious settings speak only in metaphor, offer no arguments or supporting evidence to bolster their positions, and appeal only to the emotions to communicate their message. Pathos alone does not a position create. [Maybe Dunnington can start a new list: "Things I've Learned After Turning 60."]
"I have food to eat that you do not know about." [John 4:32] That's what she said.
Dunnington's main point this morning, once he finally shut up about bikes long enough to make one, was that being in the center of God's will is the most important thing a person can ever strive for. I believe his exact quote was, "Nothing is more important to your life than being in the center of God's will." Wrong. Food is more important to my life than God's will. Boo-yah.
The main problem with all this talk about God's will is that we cannot, ever, know what the will of God is. If God is the absolute ideal that we take her to be, then it seems to require little more than common sense to recognize that humans, in our "fallen" state, cannot comprehend the mind of an absolutely idealized being. [We may be able to know things about the mind of God, but we cannot know the thoughts of God.] If this is accepted as true then it appears that the only way humans could come to knowledge of God's mind would be through direct revelation. And aside from the occasional bleeding Mary statue and a few pieces of Jesus toast here and there, God doesn't seem to be too big on direct contact. Maybe when he finally gets an unlimited texting plan . . .
New discussion board post. God's will. Go now and discuss.
Dunnington did get one thing right; love should be the standard by which we live our lives. I think we can all agree on that.
"This is my simple religion.
There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy.
Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness."
- Dalai Lama
My favorite thing in the world is when I say something over and over and over and no one takes me seriously. I know I'm not Jesus reincarnate or anything, but I was serious when I suggested that, "God helps those who help themselves." [Having to repeat this so many times almost makes me sympathize with Brad's need for a semester theme.]
Seriously.
As it's the fourth, I think it is only appropriate that I close with a few enlightening comments about the election. America is not and was never intended to be a Christian nation. On the contrary, America was intended to be a place where people could exercise their religion, however crazy it may be, without fear of oppression. With this in mind it is interesting to note that, in the last half-century, America has become the stomping ground for a brand of religious fanaticism that can only be likened to that of the Islamic terrorists who have declared Jihad against America. You think I'm kidding, but simply because the Sharptons, Falwells, Robertsons, Haggards, Dobsons, Wildmons, and Bushes of America have been clever enough to disguise their fanaticism behind the facade of "pastor" or "leader" does not make it any less prevalent or threatening. Bombing abortion clinics is only a small step away from knocking down buildings.
Jesus Camp.
Now go in the grace and peace of God and vote for Obama.
"Keep near me and you will be safe."
Daedalus
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